Our story - Start Here

"Do you remember how your husband treated you when you were first dating? Was he more thoughtful? Did he look forward to being with you? Didn’t he try to please and impress you?

If you’ve been married for any length of time you’ll probably find that the man you married is a bit (or a lot) different from the man you’re married to. Lets talk about the reasons for that difference."

This was the start of the article that I had read a few days before and it stuck in my head. But this article asked the questions that I had been contemplating since I had read it. The article continued...

"When your husband first became interested in you, he was unsure of the extent to which you were interested in him. He wanted you and he wanted you to want him. He looked to signals that you were interested. He thought about every word you said, every facial expression and every subtle inflection of your voice. He paid attention! And when he was not with you he analyzed all these things looking for clues, clues to help him understand how to “win you over” and clues as to how he was faring in his pursuit of you. Bottom line is he was always thinking about how to win you!

You may not have noticed it at the time because you were too busy trying to win him over, looking for clues yourself. Odds are that the more difficult you made it for him to win you over the better he treated you and the harder he tried to please and impress you."

You know it's funny because it is true, one of the differences between men and women is their romantic/sexual attention span. A woman, generally, is focused on keeping the partner she has won. A man is wired differently. Once he has won his prize or achieved his goal he is prone to look toward the next conquest. So, after "winning" the woman begins to nurture the relationship, the man begins to neglect it in favor of other conquests. This is why women so often become bitter or disillusioned in marriage. Her efforts at nurturing her marriage and pleasing her husband only serve to reinforce his sense that the chase is over. Thus he becomes complacent and isn't focused on winning her affections as much. In his mind he has already won the prize.

The article continued to explain...

"When men play sports with less experienced athletes on a regular basis, they will often give themselves a handicap (I’ll play basketball with my left hand behind my back so that I can’t use it) in order to make the game more interesting. He doesn’t look at you as weak, but different (in physical abilities) thus he simply acknowledges that he must make some changes to the rules of the game to make it a chase again. 

In your case, your man has opted for male chastity to bring back the romance again. While this may seem bizarre to you, it makes perfect sense from his point of view. By giving away the power to orgasm to you he gets to pursue you again, he makes you a target. You now control the "win" in this scenario. As long as he knows he can have sex (orgasm) with you any time he wants, there's no reason for him to romance you. That's why the romance diminished or stopped after you got married. By limiting his sexual access to you, you have reset the game, Doing this you'll make him the romantic lover he was when you were still dating, because he has to pursue you again. By controlling his orgasms, you can turn the chase back on. He will have to “conquer you” and convince you somehow to let him reach that rare, mind blowing orgasm. But, he needs to give you power to make the chase happen again. 

You CAN change your man. While you can never change his personality, you did fall in love with your husband in part because of how he courted you. Didn’t he try to win your affection with much more effort than he is showing now? Didn’t he used to share more with you? Didn’t he try to do special things for you just to please you and make you his. Why should all that go away as it does in most relationships? Playing the chastity game his orgasm now depends on you. He will once again try to win your favor. Thankfully you can gently steer him in the right direction. You have the key to unlocking his potential! 

Courtship, more than anything else, is an act of adoration. To be courted you must summon the self-confidence to accept his adoration, to become the object of his desires that he is working so hard for. Easier said than done, right? Well, not by much." 

I have discovered that the only difficult step, as it turns out, is to decide with absolute and unwavering sincerity that I wanted to be adored by my husband. That is not to say that I measure my self-esteem by my husband’s attention. Rather, I had to decide to not expect anything less from my husband than outright simmering love, just as I did when we were dating and were contemplating marriage. 

"You need to understand that you are already worthy of his adoration by the very fact that you are married. So there is no need to be insecure about your allure or value to him. He married you and gave up his bachelor ways just for you and he did it, because you already have everything he needs. Bottom line is he adores you, he just needs help to reignite that fire for pursuit again. 

Now to become the object of his pursuit again you must learn to comfortably make the most of your erotic potential. You have, within you, an erotic potential that was not lost with your youth. It is there still waiting to be reawakened. In finding your confidence and expressing your erotic potential remember these facts. Age is not a factor. Weight is not a factor. Beauty is not a factor. These things are not relevant here. Sexual attraction is 90% mental, only 10% physical. You don’t need to be a beauty queen to be a sex goddess. Females have the essence to attract, captivate and hold sway over men. It is within you and you just need to release it. If you will release this powerful female essence within you, you will have your man begging to romance you. It’s all about how you act, not how you look. It’s the attitude.

But, you must reawaken that confidence within yourself. Don’t worry if you lack the confidence in the beginning. Take baby steps to find your way and that confidence will come with positive results. But do not confuse your lack of confidence with lack of commitment. Be committed to exploring your potential and find your way to fulfilling that commitment." 

In my marriage this works for a very simple reason: My husband needs and wants to romance me. He may not be consciously aware of it but the male psychology fundamentally desires pursuit. As we have already seen, as much as you desire to be courted so your husband desires to court you. It’s our nature as human beings. You need only exploit that desire. The nature of this desire is, essentially, sexual. Sex equals his orgasm and that is the goal for him and not coincidentally, it is the means to fulfillment as well for you. By denying his orgasm you increases his sexual desire and that is what stimulates his romantic passion for you. 

Another part of the article got my attention...
"Now, thanks to his interest in chastity, you have been given a very powerful card to play to make your courtship his focus again. You can bridge the divide between his considerable sexual energy and yours. You can make sex more interesting and more satisfying for him and for you. 

Sex is an essential part of your marital relationship. This is not to say that it is a substitute for love. On the contrary, it will become for both of you a new and powerful expression of your love for one another. Your love for him remains certain and unconditional as before. It is romance only, which becomes uncertain and conditional. It is important to distinguish between the two. 

In short: he asked you to deny and/or restrict his orgasms because he wants to enjoy the pleasures of dating you again. you are the most beautiful and revered person in his world. You, the "key holder" will  now be in control of his orgasms, And he wants you to be that, otherwise he wouldn’t have asked you for this."

When my husband J first approached me with this chastity game I thought his fantasy was a bit odd and nearly didn't do it. The first 6 weeks of this journey were the best 6 weeks of my adult life. We are still playing this game many years later, And I still can't wait for each evening to come. I've never felt this close to my husband in the many years of our relationship. It is really ironic that, after 20 years with, for the most part, disappointing sex, I am now getting the sexual fulfillment I have longed for - with my partner locked in a chastity device. That fulfillment has happened even after only having had 'normal' penetrative sex once in the past 8 weeks!

There are many potential benefits to you and your husband but the extra attention & closeness (almost adulation) were what did it for me - not to mention a fairly marked shift in the sexual satisfaction stakes. Your relationship will become stronger and playing this game encourages open and honest communication about each other's needs. This is an incredible benefit for any couple, and can help couples improve their natural bonding.

I am now J's Key-holder, literally.
It did take me a while to develop into the key-holder role. I am grateful that my husband J let me find my own way rather than telling me what he wanted me to do. After all, if you're going to properly hand over control of your penis to your wife, you shouldn't really have any say there after. I repeatedly read this while I was researching it but it took a while for me to get to grips with that aspect. Sometimes I have to remind him that only one person gets to make the rules, the key holder. 

After teasing his locked up parts and denying my husband J’s orgasms for two weeks it was like being engaged again. I think my favorite effect was the little smiles and glances we started giving each other again. We were meeting each other’s eyes and connecting again in a way we hadn't done since we were first married.

During our journey here are some of the benefits that we have experienced and you will experience similar results with your husband locked up.  

1.) Your sex life will improve. 

Playing this way you will have more orgasms than you've ever had before. As you can have him orally pleasure you without the need for penetrative sex, which we know is male centric. As part of changing that dynamic into being female focused I have started replacing the word “sex” with the phrase “woman's pleasure” this gives J a strong reminder that the focus of sex should be my pleasure. 

2.) You will have control over when and how you have “sex” with him. 
If you are really not in the mood, you no longer have to blame it on that headache. With your man locked up your "no" will be a turn on if you simply say it in a sexy way (e.g. "No honey, I like to see you excited and frustrated, it turns me on. Or “You are pleasuring me so well I am not sure when i will let you out") Before long he became the best educated man in the world about how to get me off in surprising and enjoyable ways. As part of our game I don’t let him know what type of orgasm or when he will get it. If he has been good and if I am in the mood I might allow him and orgasm from having sex or it might be a ruined orgasm. Part of the fun is to watch his expressions as the is unsure of what is going to happen. Remember that the less orgasms he is allowed the more attention and courting he does for you. 

Since you are in control, you only have to release him from his chastity when you are in the mood to play with him and now you get to decide if he gets to orgasm, when you release him. If he does, is it a ruined orgasm? Which most of the time it should be. Unlike when you let him have a full orgasm ruining his orgasm keeps the intensity of his desire for you, and it helps him not release all of those chemicals that keep his desire to court you at a high level. Or do you want it be an edging session where he gets locked back in his chastity cage at the end of playtime with no orgasm? I love to make J lie on his back and pleasure me while I tease and edge him. Since you are his key holder and you make the rules you get to decide. 

3.) Do you have a fantasy you never dared to express to him? Lock him up for 3 weeks or longer, tease him and get him as horny as you can and he will be up for anything you want to do.

4.) Ever just want to just talk, take quiet walks together, share special moments, or just hold hands?” Now you will have the tools to make it happen. How about a good, old-fashioned necking session on the couch like when you were teenagers? Kissing games? The list is limited only by your imagination.” 

5.) Keeping him locked up and teasing him helps encourage him to be more attentive and considerate of your desires

6.) We both enjoy that we have an intimate secret we carry out in public that only the two of us share. 

The article continued...
"Thanks to the increase in oxytocin he will start enjoying close physical contact much more than before. This, returning the romance to your relationship by helping him rediscover the art of wooing you. Women who lock up their men in chastity find that their husbands gladly, even eagerly hold hands, give cuddles and massages, even assist in giving the wife a bath, then toweling her off. Have you ever had your husband trim or shave your pubic hair? I find it a very erotic experience. Having hubby give me rubs and foot rubs are nice even when I don’t feel very amorous, and they are physical things he can do for me. Plus he gets to play with my body which is a huge turn on for him. 

The beauty of male chastity is that it makes it impossible for him to act on his involuntary reactions, that tickling in his groin that grows to an erection, now stopped by his chastity device focuses him more on you. Trust me, he wants this too and is often embarrassed by his involuntary erections. Chastity is one way of him directing his mind back to you in those moments, and it is his preferred way, since he asked you for this very specifically. If you are the only one who can give him orgasmic release, you are the only one he will be fantasizing about. And that in turn will pay off in spades both in bed and in your relationship. 

While chastity is no magic pill for a troubled marriage, it can spice up a healthy relationship. By relating the outcome you want to the chastity game, you will have a happy and satisfied husband who gets to play a sex game 24/7 while you get your desired outcomes (e.g. being courted, better intimacy, more or less sex, etc.)."

Since we have been doing this my friends have complimented me on what a wonderful, attentive husband i have. I think too that your friends will be so jealous of your strong, committed relationship if you do this in your marriage. 

You might think that sounds like a lot of work.
I know I don’t feel like playing all the time and chastity gets sort of ruined if you let him out every time you don’t feel very frisky. So what do you do to get through the dead spots (for me it’s mostly during my you know what, or if I’m really stressed or busy) without being neglectful?

Here are some of my tips for low maintenance chastity play. I try to make sure I do some combination of these every day when J is locked up. They take hardly any time, and I know they make him feel loved. These little things get magnified in his mind by the cage. 

Pick out the things you find easy to do or turn you on. 
For instance, I tell him that it turns me on knowing he is always as close to nude as possible. One of my conditions for chastity play is that he'll only ever wear 4 items of clothing. And yes, shoes and socks count as 2 items. If it gets really cold, I allow him a fifth clothing item, but only for outside. The idea of always being as close to nude as possible for me turns us both on, but especially him.

Playing at chastity makes him a bit friskier than usual, he might be pressing up against you, massaging you, stroking, kissing and trying to turn you on in any way he can and you might welcome the attention. 

When J starts in I usually tell him I just have no time for it. You haven’t forgotten about him, you’re just waiting for the right time to make use of him. In these moments I try to let him down easy rather than a tired "not now, honey", I tell him with a simple "down, big boy" or "easy now, I don't want you to get too excited, nothing is going to happen for you tonight". I'll remind him of his situation. Of course he already knows he’s locked up and you have the key, but reminding him lets him know you’re thinking about him. 

I make sure to take possession of his genitalia. I’ll walk by J in the kitchen, give him a quick squeeze in front and ask “how are my toys doing? Still all locked up?” Or I might just say “You better be taking care of my toys, I might want to take them out and play with them tonight, aren’t you lucky to have such a fabulous key-holder?” I’ve noticed that the more out-of-the-blue the comment is the bigger the impact it has on J. If he’s not really thinking about sex or expecting me to be thinking about it, mentioning his chastity jolts his libido into high gear.

Fondle your property. No matter how busy or tired I am, I can always find two minutes in bed to do this. I don’t even have to remove the chastity device. When I’m going to bed I just whisper in his ear that I want to see him in the bedroom. He never says no! I fondle his poor trapped parts for a few minutes (two to five is plenty) or suck his nipples and then say good night. If I feel like kissing a bit, I can do that, but if I don’t I just tell him to stand there and keep still while I “play with my toys” for a few minutes. Just long enough to get a groan or two out of him.

Sometimes I lay him down and softly run my nails over his whole body, just barely skimming all his hot spots, until I tease him into a frenzy. Nothing is sexier than when he thinks he is going to be allowed to orgasm and you lock him back up again after teasing him. 

I sometimes turn routine requests into chastity play.

These days, if I just make the effort to dress a little skimpier after the kids have gone to bed, or just open my night robe to reveal my ordinary lingerie, he'll go weak in the knees. The simple act of taking my blouse and bra off and sitting half naked next to him is deeply appreciated for the sexual reward it is. And his reaction boosts my confidence. Sometimes I play a little game of unlocking him and seeing how long his member stays erect by watching me (half-naked). I catch up on my TV shows, he just watches me and ogles me with lustful desire. A real ego boost! Show him some skin. Taking off your top or dressing in skimpy clothing doesn't take much effort, but it will drive him wild with desire. I've bought plenty of outrageous new outfits to keep him on the edge. You can look tonight, honey but no touching...

Part of the magic of chastity play is that the male, who usually has the higher sex drive, is “playing” 24/7. He’s eating, sleeping, going to work, everything really with his genitals locked up. Any stray sexual thought quickly reminds him about the game he’s playing. You, his keyholder probably has a lower libido but that’s okay because you just have to give him the occasional nudge to keep him at a full simmer. A little bit of attention on the days when you just don’t feel very playful will keep him happy and keep him from feeling neglected until you’re a little more enthusiastic and ready to turn the heat up to a full boil.

Tease him regularly, the key is to keep his arousal simmering, this increases his desire to pursue you. Think about when you first met your partner, what did you do a whole lot of? Flirting, right? Essentially teasing. Playfully kissing your husband's neck while walking through the park. A little pat on the bottom when you walk by. Playing with each other's hands as you hold them across a table. All of these subtle gestures are part of the bigger picture -- the build up to sex -- and are still major turn-ons. 

One of my forum friends doesn't believe in showing too much skin. She almost never lets her husband see her fully naked. Instead she wears very revealing underwear and when she allows him to kiss her he must do it through the fabric of the panties. When she wants skin on skin contact, she blindfolds her man most of the times and has him wear gloves so he can't feel her all that often either. For some reason, her way of making complete nudity a very, very rare thing excites and fascinates me, but I never felt the energy to take J there, although he thinks it sounds deliciously frustrating.

I muse about the length of his lockup. Sometimes I’ll tell J that I’ve decided to let him out next week, then the next night tell him I’ve changed my mind and I don’t know when I’ll let him out. Sometimes I’ll tell him I’ve been wondering how long I should leave him locked up and just leave it at that. No further information, just that I was thinking about it. I’ll ask him if he thinks he could go six months, or a year. If he asks if I’m planning to keep him locked up that long, I’ll just shrug and say “maybe.” Verbal teasing like this takes very little energy from me but amps J up.

Have him show some skin. Sometimes I tell J to strip naked, with or without his chastity device on, most of the times I can't be bothered to take off his chastity device. Male nudity doesn't turn me on as much as female nudity turns him on, but he gets a kick out of being the object of my lustful desire. I tell him I just want to be able to admire his body at a moments notice. Since we have 2 boys, I don't often get the chance to have him do this for me, but it is a huge turn on for him to be desired in this way and it makes him feel sexy and wanted. 

When he needs to be released from his chastity device so that he can clean and shave I usually unlock him when I am about to watch a show he doesn't like. I stay around him during his cleaning to ensure he doesn't mess with my property, all part of "taking the chastity thing serious". Don’t leave the key laying around or act like it’s no big deal, I wear his key on a necklace or on a piece of jewelry. Remember that’s he’s committed 24/7. The whole idea is he can’t check out of the game until you let him, so remind him that you’re still in the game with him.

None of those things take much time or energy from me. They’re easy to do on days when I’m stressed or tired or just not feeling very sexual. And they keep J feeling loved and cared for. 

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J and I put together a primer of how we started our chastity and incorporated chastity into our lives. I hope it will help you begin your own journey to fulfillment like we have using chastity. Please remember that there isn’t a specific right way to do this, this is just information we found during our journey. We researched, read, and tried a lot of things but this is what really worked for us. Please only read this when you are ready to consider taking the next step. 

Read the story of another real couple who made the journey into chastity play.

We are ready for the next step, take us to the primer.